Supporting your Child's Education

The first day of school has come for many children across the country! Parents will have a myriad of feelings as their children settle into another year of school: relief, excitement, nostalgia, concern. Some parents may feel anticipation as they know when the school year gears up, so do parenting responsibilities related to school. Supporting a child's education from a parent's perspective is no easy task. It takes engagement, stamina and farsightedness but it is all worth it in the end.

Decades of research shows that parents who are actively involved in their child's education (regardless of their income or background) are more likely to have a child with:

• higher grades
• higher results on standardized tests
• better attendance
• better social skills, school behavior and adaptability the school environment
• higher graduation rates and continuing education with college

when compared to children who's parents participate less in their education.

The earlier parent involvement begins, the more powerful the effects; and the more intensely parents are involved, the more beneficial the achievement effects. 1

Supporting you Child's Education

Beginning with the basics:

• Ensure your child gets to school on time.
• Ensure your child gets enough sleep. (Ages 3-6 need 10-12 hours, 7-12 years need 10-11 hours, 12-18 years need 8-9 hours)
• Be sure your child eats a healthy breakfast.
• Help them organize what supplies they will need for the school day. 

Your goal as a parent is to grow an independent learner. 

Tips for raising an independent learner:

• Show your child that education is important to you. Exude a positive attitude about learning and school. Expand upon what your child is learning in school, extending their learning on the subject beyond the classroom. 
• Read to your child and later have them read to you...and even later, read the same book and discuss it together. 
• Set high expectations for your child. Share with your child your confidence in them as a learner.
• Begin teaching independence by setting aside a time for homework in a quiet area with the required supplies and monitoring non-educational screen time. 
• Help them with their homework if you able (it can become more challenging as they progress through school). If you are unable to act as a tutor, you can still help monitor that they complete their homework and look into getting tutoring help through the school or other community resource.
• Work on giving them more responsibility over time. Be sure to provide them all the tools and instructions to be successful with new responsibilities. Do it with them at first, fading your help out over time. 

Get involved in your child's school. Show them that the school and home are connected and part of the same community. 

• Attend scheduled Parent-Teacher conferences, Back to School nights and other school functions.
• Keeps lines of communication open with your child's teachers and the school staff. 
• Ask plenty of questions about your child, the class, the materials being covered to get more information about how your child is doing. If they need additional help, you will be able to set it up earlier rather than waiting when there is a noticeably large gap in learning. 
• Volunteer at your child's school if your schedule permits. This is a great way to get to know the staff, help improve your child's school and show your child that you care about their school and value their education. 

And most importantly, stay connected to your child, meeting their five critical emotional needs. 

Avoid "If-Then" Rewards

During a workshop for our local child care providers, Alexis Robin Nourish Life & Business Coach recommended the book "Drive" by Daniel Pinks. While Pink's book is directed more toward business managers, the underlying theme is about human motivation and is a great read for any parent or adult who works with children. 
In his book, Pink shares with readers a study conducted in 1973 by Lepper, Greene & Nisbett. The researchers went into a preschool classroom and identified the children who naturally chose art and drawing when it was free period. 

They divided these children into 3 groups. 

• The first group had an "expected reward". They were promised a "Good Player" certificate with a blue ribbon for completing a drawing.
• The second group was given a certificate spontaneously after completing a drawing and they weren't expecting the reward.
• The third group was never given an award.

Two weeks later the researchers returned. When given free time, the kids in group 2 and 3 still chose art equally but those in group 1 chose significantly less than at the start of the study.

Pink explains that "if-then" rewards require people to forfeit some of their autonomy (think of this as safe power) and drains their enjoyment of the activity.

Relating this to child development....avoid "if-then" rewards. If you eat all of your dinner you get dessert. If you clean your room you can watch a movie.  If you help me with the dishes we can go to the park.....

Instead, catch children being good. Notice good behavior as close as possible after the fact with genuine and specific acknowledgement. If a spontaneous reward follows, that works too! "Thank you for helping me clean the kitchen. With your help we finished faster. Now we have extra time to go to the park."

Should You Pay Your Child for Chores?

In 2003 Russian economist Anton Suvorov developed the "principal agent theory".
Principals in this theory are the people who are trying to convince the agent to do something. Since we are talking about allowance in this case, the parent is the principal and the child is the agent.

Let's create a scenario where the parent wants the child to take the garbage. They create an allowance amount for their child, $5 a week to take out the garbage.

• According the the "principal-agent theory" offering your child money to take out the trash implies it is an undesirable task that no one would do without being compensated for. 
• And according to this theory, your child may agree to take out the trash for the $5 but will never again take out the trash for anything less than $5. 
• Furthermore, the influence of the allowance tends to wear off over time. Your child may become more and more reluctant to take out the trash as time goes on, requiring more prodding on your part. They may even negotiate a higher rate when they realize the leverage they have- and you might readily agree, hoping it will extinguish the complaining and ignite quicker action! 
• Or they may decide they don't need or want the money and forfeit the task.

Keeping in mind the "principal agent theory" you may decide it is easier to have your children complete chores with no monetary compensation. Household chores can instead be viewed as something each member of the family does to contribute to the health and well-being of the family. Completing chores together can help you and your children feel more connected since conversations may flow more easily when you are occupied side by side with a similar task and are working together as a team.

Children still need to learn how to manage money. Giving them a set allowance, unrelated to the completion of chores, along with some coaching about spending and saving can help them develop healthy money habits they will need sooner than you think!

Growing a Healthy Body Image

This month our agency presented the last workshop in the series "Understanding Today's Youth" in collaboration with Alpine County Behavioral Health: Body Image.

We learned a great deal about how our self talk, especially spoken criticism of our bodies can directly influence how our children feel about their own bodies. If children hear you speaking negatively about your own body, they will begin to focus negative attention on theirs as well. To help improve your child's body image, work first on not voicing those concerns. When discussing food and activity choices, focus on health rather than weight or appearance. Instead of saying, "I am on a diet and can't eat that" say, I am focusing on making better food choices. And instead of saying "I need to walk to burn off these thighs" say "Would you like to take a walk with me? I would love your company."  Be sure give thought and voice to the things you like about yourself and what you do well.



Besides the messages we inadvertently send to our children, the media consistently sends us and our children unrealistic standards of beauty. Models body sizes (~5'11" and 117 lbs) represent only 2% of American women. The average American woman wears a size 12 and the average American model wears a size zero. Models currently weigh 23% less than the average American women compared to only 8% less 20 years ago. Even plus-size models have been expected to reduce their size. Ten years ago the average plus-size model wore a size 12-18, currently plus-size models wear a size 6-14.

It is estimated that 100% of fashion images are digitally edited- providing an illusion of thinness, smoothness and bigger bust lines. While the difference between an average American woman and an average American model is drastic, marketing digitally editing images of those 2% bombards us with body images that are not humanly attainable; unrealistic waistlines, altered bust lines, blemish free, glowing faces....giving a new meaning to "picture perfect". Share this information in a manner that is appropriate for the age of your child so they are aware that photo advertisements and television and movie personalities are little more than cartoon characters.

Complimenting your child's appearance isn't in itself bad and really depends on context. Rather than saying "You are so pretty!" say, "That color really brings out the color in your eyes" emphasizing their uniqueness. Also be sure to help boost your child's self-esteem in ways that don't focus on appearance by noticing their capabilities and accomplishments.

Realize that boys are not immune from body image pressures. Photos of men are digitally edited as well. Boys may feel they need steroids, androgen enhancers, and protein powders to achieve an impossible look. Also realize that boys see the altered images of those 2% of women and may develop an unrealistic expectation of women's beauty. (The same goes for girls and impossible images of males) Be sure to include your sons and daughter when discussing fashion images of both men and women.

Also practice accepting compliments on your appearance. If someone says, "I love your dress!" Simply say, "Thank you!" rather than putting yourself down or making excuses like "Really?! I think my tummy looks awful in this!" Embrace the compliment! You are beautiful! We are all beautiful!

Raising Boys

Last month our agency- in collaboration with Alpine County Behavioral Health- presented materials from "Raising Cain: The Inner Lives of America's Boys" co-authored by renowned child psychologists Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. There is also a film "Raising Cain: the Inner LIves of America's Boys" which premiered on PBS in 2006 and is hosted by Dr. Thompson.

Is raising a boy different than raising a girl?

We pulled out only a few points of a very rich 120 minute film:

• Boys are more emotionally vulnerable than girls but we tend to focus more on their greater physical activity than their greater need for emotional feedback.  Boys have as much of an emotional life as girls and we cannot ignore that need. Help boys develop an emotional vocabulary and acknowledge their feelings. 
• Physical aggression in humans peaks at age 2 in both boys and girls but wanes at a slower rate in boys than in girls. Boys need your help learning that violence is not acceptable way of solving problems. Help them talk about what intense emotions led to the clash and look for solutions.
• Dr. Thompson shows us video footage from a preschool in Japan where children are given opportunities to resolve conflicts with each other. The goal of preschool in Japan is stated "To learn how to be a member of a group." Older boys in preschool in Japan are given roles as helpers with younger children in order to help them develop empathy. Boys need to have opportunities to take care of younger children and pets and show affection. 
• Boys tend to create stories about conflict and violence opposed to girls who often create stories about friendship and family. Dr. Thompson says there is a difference between imagined violence an real violence and acknowledges that is is a fine balance between stifling boys imaginations and being cognizant of fantasy violence that is over the line. Limit boys exposure to violence on television and video games but allow boys a creative outlet (writing, stories, art) to express strong emotions in a safe way. 
• 70% of the D's and F's given out in U.S. schools are given to boys. They need more physical activity throughout the day- PE, recess, lunch, snack time. Boys are three times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than girls and 85% of the world's stimulant medication is prescribed to American boys. Boys can be bullied by other boys for being smart especially in poverty where academic success can be seen as unmanly. Show boys being smart is valued and since boys have their own way of learning ensure accommodations are made for them to help them obtain academic success. 
• When boys enter puberty they begin to value friends over family. Boys can be harsher than family will be which Dr. Thompson names "the culture of cruelty" The desire to belong can lead children to bully in order to feel accepted and save themselves from bullying. One in four boys is bullied in school. Boys need to find their identity and friends who are supportive of that identity. Parents need to stay connected by sharing  a common interest or sharing the son's interest. Boys gain the respect of their peers through mastery of skills that other boys appreciate. Help boys find their niche by nurturing their "spark". 
• Boys need positive male role models in their life to model the many ways to be a man: responsible, caring and emotionally available. Provide boys models of men who are responsible, caring and express their emotions in positive ways. 

To view the film in its entirety......
Raising Cain: Exploring the Inner Lives of Boys